Dear Tom Devine

March 24, 2013

Thank you for your recent junk direct mail informing me of the advantages of Sky over Virgin Media. I am sorry to have to tell you that something must have gone awry in your demographic selections as almost all the points you make therein fail to entice me into taking up your offer. Perhaps I could help you to target future mailings better by addressing them individually.

All my mates are talking about the brand new series of Game of Thrones [but Virgin Media don’t have it]. Tom, I don’t know what gathering of my mates you have been to but I would be astonished if feeling deprived of the latest series of Game of Thrones featured anywhere in the topics of conversation (unless you started it yourself!). I’ve no doubt that some of them may want to watch it if they are tired of reruns of Baywatch and Xena: Warrior Princess, but I’m not sure any of them would cross the road for it, never mind changing TV providers. Perhaps it was someone else’s mates you were talking to?

…this super-duper fast broadband is always going to stay that way [but Virgin have a traffic management policy]. Well Tom, I take you at your word on that, even without digesting the three inches or so of very small print that accompanies the offer and seems to be full of pound signs. If you’ve been talking to my mates though, I think you’ll have picked up that those that have Sky complain much more about failures in the service than those on Virgin do. I’ll take my chances thanks, it’s worked well so far.

What about watching TV on my iPad on the bus on the way home from work [Virgin customers can only do that with Wi-Fi]. Tom, you must think I’m a TV addict! Listen, I really don’t want you and your team worrying about me missing America’s Next Top Model: Series 15 (fifteen! seriously?) as depicted in your brochure just because I commute to work. I’ve got lots of books I can take to read, some podcasts I can listen to; or I can snooze for a bit, especially on the way home; or just enjoy the view from the windows as we pass through the townscape and countryside – it’s very picturesque to see the sunrise through the mist as we cross the river. Do you get time to look out of the window occasionally Tom?

[Sky has Formula 1 in HD, whereas Virgin customers can only see it in standard definition.] Tom, I’d agree with you that HD is a big improvement for people with huge TV sets who want to see things in great detail. I think can live without for a Formula 1 race though, don’t you? The best way to improve Formula 1 coverage in my opinion would be to miss out the bit between the first five laps and the last five laps. And standard definition will be perfectly ok on our little TV, honestly. I can still make out the colours and shapes well enough if I sit close.

[Sky has more HD channels than anyone else.] Indeed you do! You have so many I couldn’t even make out the total: is it 45, or 56 or 62, or more? Goodness Tom, I don’t know where I’d get time to watch all of that! I’d have to give up virtually all my other activities like cycling, music, reading, spending time with my family, voluntary work. Maybe even my day job Tom, that takes up quite a chunk of time, doesn’t it! Do you ever get out on your bike at all Tom?

I’ve just bought an amazing new 3D TV [but Virgin doesn’t have a dedicated channel]. You must have me confused with someone else Tom, I don’t have the money for a 3D TV. Did my mates tell you that? If so they are pulling your leg. Those guys! No, I have looked at 3D TV and was very impressed, it is much better than the 3D that has been inflicted upon us in cinemas recently, but there’s lots of things I would spend the money on first, like getting the kitchen and bathroom fixed up just for starters, or music lessons for the children. How much do you get paid Tom?

Well now, Tom, look how you’ve got me going! I’ve spent more time on this than I’d intended. See how much of your life TV can take up? And we haven’t even been watching it! I hope I’ve made it clear Tom that I have other priorities at the moment, and that getting more TV is pretty low down the list. It would also be good to hear someone talking from time to time about the quality of TV rather than the quantity! As your own company’s strapline has it, “Sky: I can’t believe it’s not better.” Or have I got that mixed up with margarine? Whatever.

Must go and help the kids to make some fairy cakes for tea. Enjoy your weekend Tom, and in case this all sounds ungrateful, I do appreciate you thinking of me.

Long live Freeview!


One Response to “Dear Tom Devine”

  1. Angry from Manchester Says:

    Ha Ha. Pretty much spot on.

    I’ve never been a SKY customer and have no intention of even becoming a SKY customer yet SKY has my name and address, including postcode.

    I’ve just phoned the number and quoted my unique reference code in an attempt to get removed from SKY’s spam list only to be told that I’m not on their system.

    When I told the operator that SKY sent the letter addressed to me personnally she doubted that the letter was from SKY.

    I told her Mr Tam Devine has somehow obtained my personal contact details and that it would only be polite if she gave me his so that I could respond in kind.

    I doubt I’ll be removed from this spam mailing list never mind actually receive Mr Devine’s home address

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